Hello everyone! My name is Lauren and I am from New Jersey. I experienced my first TBI at the age of 14, and since that day, I've been struggling with a migraine that has never gone away. My original injury occurred while playing soccer, but due to underlying undiagnosed visual and vestibular deficits, I experienced 6 additional concussions throughout college and post-grad. I was subsequently diagnosed with concussion induced ADHD, PCS, occipital neuralgia, CCI, essential tremor, and chronic migraine. For about a decade, I pushed through the pain and symptoms with the mindset that I can achieve anything I put my mind to. While this served me well for quite some time (as it allowed me to progress through undergrad and the majority of PA school before requiring a medical leave) it also pushed my body and brain to the point of utter deterioration. After a year and a half of 13-hour study days with a struggling body, combined with Covid vaccines and two viral infections, my thyroid, hormones + reproductive system, GI tract, heart and kidneys had all become negatively affected. While I was accustomed to managing pain and symptoms, I was also reliant on having the energy to do so- and suddenly this battery was gone. With newly diagnosed POTS/autonomic dysfunction, I was simply unable to function. I found myself pulling over to vomit on my way to or from clinical, and worrying about my ability to stand and speak when assessing a patient.
At this point in time I was throwing up 3x a week, down to 80 pounds, and was questioning my ability to continue living this way. I had been given up on and passed around between local providers, and specialists within a 6-hour radius were overwhelmed with how to treat me. While some acknowledged this, others blamed for me for being overly anxious or having “medical student syndrome.” Thankfully, through the help of the incredible TBI Instagram community, I was able to find Dr. Zelinsky at the Mind Eye Institute, who has been the only person to truly understand the complexity of my case. Due to the severity of my condition, I was encouraged to take a medical leave of absence from PA school while undergoing care. This temporary leave turned into two full years of complete cognitive and physical rest, followed by an extremely slow integration of activities of daily living. While this time has been incredibly isolating, it has taught me more than I could have ever imagined. I now not only know myself, but I have learned to truly love myself- limitations included.
For so many years, I felt my illnesses took away all of my positive qualities. I felt it left with me with the parts of me I hated- (the pain, the irritability, the sadness) and in turn, I began to hate myself. It took me a very long time to see that the parts of me I disliked were still ME- and I needed to love those aspects of me in order for any positive feelings to emerge. Once I started to show myself true compassion, instead of gaslighting myself for feeling so incapable, I was able to view myself through the lens of strength and perseverance as opposed to weakness.
I am so thankful to have learned that my LIFE is more valuable than a degree, and that no external validation means more than my own inner knowing of all I’ve worked for. I am also proud of myself for fighting back against my program and refusing to withdraw due to my disability. I will fight relentlessly for my ability to continue what I’ve started once I’m medically cleared, and in the meantime, I am combining all that I have learned as both a patient and future medical provider into a book!
If I had to offer advice for someone new to the chronic illness world- I would encourage them to journal, use voice memos, or find one person they can talk to so they can vent their feelings, frustrations, and small wins. I would want them to know that journaling and using voice memos might be really hard at first, but it’s a great way to take note of improvements and changes that have evolved over time. It can feel incredible to look back on an older voice memo and see your emotional or physical growth as tangible evidence of healing. Also check out my playlist on spotify- rising the fuck up- for inspiration to keep going.
To follow my journey, please check my IG: https://www.instagram.com/patient_to_provider/
